So Many Beginnings & Endings
Back-to-school frenzy is in the air. My niece moved into her college dorm at Ashland University last weekend, a freshman, on her own for the first time.
Many San Diego City school buses hit the roads again this week, carrying their loads of small people to the doors of yet another year, a new teacher.
And the most telling evidence: current Target commercials all feature excited kids & parents dancing down the store’s aisles, filling their carts with new pens, pencils, notebooks & spiffy back-to-school clothes. I miss having to buy an art box every August. How much fun is an art box?
This time of the year always ignites a burst of nostalgia for me. 
A yearning to go back to a time in my life when things were simpler, opportunities ran more abundant & dreaming about the future didn’t feel so…ridiculous.
I encourage the young people around me to enjoy these times. Really pay attention. How many of us look in our rear view mirrors these day & think, When did I blink? The ravings of an old fart, but I still tell them.
So many beginnings & endings. Small, large, noticed & not.
I believe the power of ritual has been forgotten in much of western society. Sure, we do baptisms, birthday cake, wedding gowns & commencement robes, but those rituals seem to culminate & fizzle out when we either have our own kids & start the cycle over on their behalf, or if we don’t have kids, when we settle into a “career” & wait for the retirement party.
What do we do to honor & mark the smaller shifts, accomplishments & defeats, especially after we blow out the candles on our 30th birthdays?
Our first solo plane ride
The first time a bartender doesn’t bother to ask us for i.d.
Losing a pet we chose from the shelter all on our own
Connecting with a new friend
Saying goodbye to a parent
The first time a doctor calls & tells you the test did not come back clear
The moment we find ourselves alone on a Saturday night & think, “This is nice” & not “Oh my god I’m a loser”
Donating blood
The day we realize that if we die at the same age our parent died, we’ve passed the halfway point
The first time a waitress calls us ma’am or sir & we knock a buck off her tip
Holding the hand of a friend sitting for her first chemo treatment.
Becoming an organ donor
Asking someone to be our Power of Attorney for Medical Care
The first time we proclaim “I’m too old for that shit” & mean it
I need to ritualize these little moments, acknowledge their significance, offer the respect, gratitude & grief they deserve.
In that spirit, I’m buying myself a new lunch box. Yep, this one…
Because I survived the last 3 months. 3 months that sucked shit, challenged my faith & tested my fortitude. I’m honoring the fact that I’m here, on the other side, a little beaten up, but hopefully a little more compassionate as well.
And besides, school is starting, & I need a new lunch box. Maybe even an art box. With crayons & glue.
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I love this! Ask me sometime and I can tell you more that I’ve added to my list. 🙂
Thanks, Mom. You can share the additions here. We’re all friends. Come on!
Okay, here goes.
First time paragliding (and hopefully not my last)
First time traveling out of the US
First time deciding all by myself the kind of car I wanted
First time driving more than 50 miles alone
First time going to church alone
First time doing a “blue job”
And I could go on and on. As you can tell, most of them have happened in the last 8 years. I have grown into a different person now that I’m alone, and that’s not all bad.
Love these! I wondered how many might have landed in the last 8 years. I think we grow in waves, like kids with growing pains, & you’ve definitely experienced a spurt. I hope I have the courage to continue facing down the “firsts” with as much enthusiasm & grace as you’ve had. Paragliding at 71. Not sure I can top that! And the “blue job,” well, I’ll need alcohol before I can hear that story again. 🙂
Don’t forget the fiskers rounded scissors and white glue. The first time you require a joint replacement, and it fails, and you require a replacement for that failure and IT FAILS and causes “catastrophic injury” and then, at 46, you have the last attempt to fix what’s broken…and you are told “it’s for the rest of your life”. It wasn’t the surgery that was bad. It’s the recovery, because the result is for …. The Rest of My Life. It puts an ending out there somewhere. We realize we are not invinsable. That sucks.
Hey Di. Rounded scissors & glue! How could I forget? Kids these days get glue sticks, of which I am totally jealous.
Your comment about not being invincible really hit close to home for me. I used to believe that I could “push” my body through anything, & as a younger person, I did. Through injury & pain. And somewhere along the line reality caught up & instead of pushing through it or forcing my body to do what it couldn’t, I had to start adapting, making changes.
I imagine making smaller, subtle changes in how I treat my physical being is much easier than going through what you’ve been (are going) through. And the fact that in this last instance, the words “rest of your life” were spoken & that most definitely places an ending somewhere in front of you, an ending that many of us haven’t had to face yet. While I applaud your unwavering courage & spirit in how I’ve witnessed you face these moments of loss, I also grieve with you, because I know at the end of the day, you didn’t have a choice in the matter.
The loss of my physical abilities has been & will continue to be the most difficult aspect of getting older for me. In so many ways I identify myself by who I am physically: an athlete, a strong woman, capable, independent. Letting go of those things will be difficult. I hope I can maintain the same tenacity & will that you show every day. You are an example for me.
I wonder how you’ve had to redefine who you are as a person through these challenges, & how you mark both the accomplishments & the losses as you go along, day to day? I’m guessing that you’re light years ahead of me in redefining yourself against the standards of youth, as well as accepting the reality that our physical body is, in the end, not immortal. You have much wisdom & experience to share with those of us following behind. I hope you know that.
I love this piece too! Found myself thinking about you a lot today and then I get this update. We are readying the campus for our students to return and for the freshman to embark on a new chapter in the journeys. Such a hopeful time of the year – I love it! Thank you for posting this. I miss you! PS: what is a “blue job?”
August at St. John Fisher. What great memories. Can you believe I landed there as a freshman 28 years ago? Whoa. A lot different than it is now I suspect. Except for one important thing: I imagine every kid on that campus right now comes loaded with dreams & visions of what their lives might become, & those dreams are likely super big & super exciting. I remember that time as nothing but horizon, open & waiting for me to tackle it! Makes me want to go back 28 years & even wear the Freshmen beanie through orientation. Ha!
And the “blue job,” well, you’re gonna have to ask my mom that one. 😉
Anita: Once again you hit the nail on the head for me. It’s all those firsts… and lasts… and remembering to be a kid in our heart and act silly and forget about what people think or say because we’re past the point where we should give a sh**! But unfortunately I still do give a sh** too much and so I work on that. It’s on my list of things to improve about myself. I can see how women end up old and bitter, and I work every day against that. Finding that balance between the giving and taking, healing and pain, love and hate keeps me forever vigilant. Thanks for reminding me again. I’m on your side every step of the way!
It really is about the balance, isn’t it? Learning to travel between the extremes with grace. Sometimes I fail miserably. Some days the “firsts” seem so far behind me, & the “lasts” feel like they’re piling up, which I resent. Ironically, the older I get the more I believe that surviving with a strong, intact spirit depends almost completely on the attitude I bring to the table. Perspective is everything. As are the friendships we surround ourselves with. Thanks for being a part of my circle!
You’ve got it in one. Col’undt have put it better.
I better clear up what a “blue job” is before everyone’s imaginations run rampant—-and that means you, Anita! When you lose your husband, “blue jobs” are the things he used to do (mow lawn, fix things in your home, change the oil in your car, etc). When a man loses his wife, he has to do “pink jobs.” I learned those phrases at Griefshare.
I had no issue with people letting their imaginations run wild, but I do appreciate the clarification. And I’m sure Steph does, too. I actually didn’t know that came from Griefshare. Very cool. I’d heard you use the phrase but didn’t know where it came from.
I love this post, Anita and will return to it later tonight with my answers to your thought-provoking question. In the meantime, I have to applaud you: nothing says new beginnings like a lunch box!
I’ll be sure to bring my new lunch box to Wed night group so I can share! I’m checking the mail every day, waiting for it to arrive.
You give me more credit than I should take credit for, my friend. I tried to remain optimistic, and at some point, when the surgeon that caused “catastrophic injury” made me wait for three hours only to walk in, tell me he was late for a flight and that he couldn’t help me in three minutes, I became really pissed off at why I am having to go through this over and over again? Then a surgeon, still Cleveland Clinic (catastrophic injury surgeon is THE CHIEF OF ORTHOPEADICS) agreed to meet me after my rehab doctor said that there was a serious problem. 3 weeks later I was the recipient of a custom knee replacement, all the ruptured ligaments in my knee repaired and sentenced to 6 weeks of no weight bearing. This surgery was 6/18. I am still in a huge brace and on crutches attempting to regain muscle tone and quad function that has not worked in 3 years. The first two weeks back to PT I sat and cried, no sobbed every day. Then I took a week off, sat down with my shrink and learned you need to get over some things to get thru them. I wanted this surgeon to know I wasn’t a number. I am a person with kids and a life and I spent 1600+ hours trying to rehab what he knew was a bad knee. But, he doesn’t care. I needed to acknowledge it wasn’t important to him ( not that there isn’t a law team reviewing this), but the point was that he was in my head. I just spent 6 weeks in bed healing and have a PT that has been there with me from the beginning and I was allowing him to continue to effect my chances of regaining use of this leg. So one week off, poor me time, and back on…in for the fight of my life. Am I better for it? I don’t know. Jaded, tired come to mind. But then my PT brought out cards and letters and gifts from people that worried about me, prayed for me, missed me, were inspired by me and I took it in, and then a big breathe and said “let’s get this done “. He was thrilled. Just today I was able to think “contract right quad” and it worked. The first time since 2011. So did you write this post so I could continue my thetPy by telling you this? Maybe. But a guarantee you this…no other patient has or will ever leave the amount of sweat and tears on that floor. But I will do it with grace, because of this post. Thank you.
Wow. After I read this, I’m quite certain you deserve more credit. In absolute seriousness, what I respect most in everything you write, is that you not only found whatever it takes to push you through, but you also gave (continue to give) yourself permission to grieve & get pissed off & be sad & allow yourself to feel everything. For a week, you said. Then it was time to get back to business. How many of us get stuck in one feeling or another, in the grief or anger, or we just never allow ourselves to feel anything in order to carry on? In my own life, it’s the either/or that I get trapped in. And inevitably, that shit catches up.
Sounds like you have an amazing PT, & I am so glad for that. What a phenomenal moment it must have been for you to see & read all the cards & letters from the folks who support you. A definitive beginning, I’d say, although progress forward is never without steps backwards, as you obviously already know. Hold on to that cloud of support, let it carry you when needed, & never forget that in the end, that love & those connections are what stay with us & affect change.
I’ll say it again, you’re amazing. Sending love & “go kick ass” spirit from Cali.
Love this Anita! Thanks for sharing. I have my Wonder Woman Lunch Pail and my BIG box of crayons – all ready to celebrate all of my Firsts! :0)
Does your box of crayons have the multiple tiers? Like stadium seats filled with colored goodness? I loved those boxes.
i just hope you’ve outgrown the “paste eating” stage…
Sorry it took me awhile to reply. I had a stomach ache last night. Must’ve been something I ate.
Someday, when the traveling man makes a stop around Cali I would love, LOVE sit somewhere in the sun with some ice cold beer and spent the entire time shooting the shit (for lack of better words). It seems what we have grown into are strong head-headed determined woman that do not accept the word “no “. I think you coud help me fill in some blanks…and maybe I for you. I would love to meet your family and just talk about life in general. I feel like we have reconnected for a reason. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there to find. I think at this point in life it is important to establish ongoing friendships. We all need people. I have so many questions you could answer for me and I don’t know what I can bring to the party; but I sure as hell would like that , A lot, I am going to try to make that happen. I can’t imagine some if the things you had to head on and alone. And you are an incredibly graceful, elequant woman full of strength and unbridled compassion. So what do you think? It is a bucket lust item for me. Not so much about catching up, but a strategy for moving forward. In a lot of places.
Would love, love to share that space with you. I too have thought a lot about why you & I have reconnected over the past year, & I suspect you’re right…there’s a reason, & we have to find it. I laughed at your comment about us becoming strong willed women. I seem to recall us both being strong-willed girls early on, too! Lol. I’ve so enjoyed reconnecting with you & hope that you can make the trip out to southern Cali some day. Aim for a mid-winter jaunt–it helps with the winter grey! I think of you & your accomplishments every time I head out for a run these days, & usually again about halfway through when I think “wow this sucks. how much would a cab home cost?” I imagine you telling me to get my head out of my ass & enjoy that fact that I’m out moving. And I stop whining. Usually. Sometimes I just whine a little more under my breath so you can’t hear it. Either way, I keep running. I’ll say it again: your experience has a place in this world to help others. I’ll be honored to witness you finding what that place is & how it will manifest itself in your life. Keep me posted on your plans for San Diego. 🙂