Living a Small Life
Shelagh Gordon.
I first heard the name on an episode of “Here and Now” on NPR.
Not a lead story. Just a 9-minute glance at her life & sudden death in Toronto. A blurb of sorts that I caught while driving. But these words stopped me, compelled me to look up her story as soon as I arrived home:
She lived a small life, as most of us do. Her struggles were intimate… She wasn’t someone who had affected massive change. But, in her own way, she really did intimately affect so many people.
By the age of 12, I wanted a big life. A life that people would know & read about in the history books. 
A big-ass life.
Some days, I believe I’ve learned the hard lesson & accepted that big doesn’t necessarily translate to significant or worthwhile. Yet many days, I still want big. I want to leave something behind that makes a difference or changes hearts, something that is larger than me & the little life I’m living.
A friend once told me that because I’m a writer, I see myself as the main character in my own screenplay, & that screenplay is horribly boring & ordinary, like the narratives of the other 7 billion people living on planet earth. So NOT the hero’s journey. My friend may be on to something.
I want to be content with a small life.
I’ve watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” well over 50 times. I’m waiting to wake up like George Bailey, a new-found appreciation for the ordinary existence bursting from within, but clearly my damn angel hasn’t earned her wings yet. No bells dinging in my head.
In high school, a friend & I used to sit out in a field drinking cheap beer & wine coolers we picked up with fake id’s that said we were 36. We shelled peanuts, asked each other super important questions & offered up profound answers.
The question I remember most: What is your greatest fear? In 1984, most young people would’ve answered “nuclear annihilation.” Not me.
My worst fear: Waking up in 25 years & realizing I’ve wasted my life.
30 years later, it’s still my worst fear, wasting my God-given talents & gifts.
I think about Shelagh Gordon quite often these days. Reading her story leaves me with both guilt & hope. Guilt that my arrogance leaves me wanting so much more & what that says about me. Hope that some day, I’ll settle into my small life, content with the small connections, intimate struggles, ordinary existence.
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Anita – so good to see you back! And you make a point that I suffer with daily as well. Although I have never longed to be a Celebrity with a capital C – and the responsibilities that go along with that – I have, though, wished to live a big life. I do have things I want to share with the world. I want to make a difference. The struggle for me is to find the balance of ever striving to go forward, but taking the time to enjoy life today – all the little perks that make us happy or inspired. It took me years to actually fully understand this and embrace it – but the following works for me:
“Accept the present and intend the future.”
~ Deepak Chopra ~
I hope you find some comfort in this as well, my friend…
“Accept the present and intend the future.”
~ Deepak Chopra ~
So very, very cool, Indy. Thank you. It really is about the balance, isn’t it? Some days I just find myself losing patience with focusing on today while trying to hold on to my vision for tomorrow. And some days, the balance feels more like juggling 18 flaming torches! Those days, I really want to be able to accept my life as it is right now so I can just be satisfied. I can honestly say, in 45 years, I have never felt content with the exact moment I’m living.
Yes – my struggle as well. That’s why that saying is up where I can see it every day, but it doesn’t always make it any easier to actually “think” that way. I’ve found that getting out into nature is the one thing that can make me get into the correct frame of mind. I realize how little the daily stress matters…I notice the little things that mean a lot. I guess it helps me put things into perspective. So, even if it’s just a short walk outside, this helps me – and I get some fresh air and much needed exercise!
I think as you get older, you settle into your small life. I believe I have. But I still hold onto my dreams and hope I always do.
Thanks, Mom. Maybe as we get older & gain wisdom & experience, we learn that in the end, it’s the small moments that are remembered & treasured by the people we leave behind. And if we’re constantly focused on the big stuff, we may miss the small moments as they present themselves every day. Still, like you, I hold on to my dreams & a few of those dreams include big moments.
You have to have dreams. Dreams are what keep us moving forward.
I was going to start working today without looking at Facebook but now I”m glad I violated my own rule because I saw your post. When a friend of mine once used a line in her memoir to describe her life as “big” I thought about it for a long time afterwards. I objected to the notion that some lives are bigger than others. Life is life, right? She was talking about the busy-ness. The career, etc., not necessarily about fame but you nailed what is at the heart of what people think of when they consider lives big and small: fame, legacy, something that lasts. Our egos are our curse but also, for a time at least, the finger in our backs that push us into trying things that may, in spite of our own personal desires for immortality, help another. Anyway, you’ve got me thinking. I think that is a good thing, right?
Betsy, I love your point about our egos being both good & bad. A constant push-pull with our ambition. If I’m honest though, I know that as a young person, my idea of a big life did judge how others lived their lives. I knew I could do it better. That’s where the arrogance came in, & it’s not something I’m proud of. I wanted to distinguish myself as not being ordinary, being better than. These days, it’s really more about leaving something good behind or making a difference.
Maybe “big” and “small” are relative terms? Your pups think your life is the biggest ever! I think it’s about determining our own size standard regardless if it agrees with western ideas of success or not.
Ha! I never thought of my life from my dogs’ pov! That definitely puts things in a new light. Maybe the struggle is between how I want to define success & how it’s been/being defined for me. And sometimes I can’t distinguish those two from one another. I absolutely have both standards existing in my head & dreams. Thanks for bringing it back to what really matters, Evelyn: what my dogs think!
I grew up never expecting to have a life much bigger than the rather sparse one I grew up in. Maybe I am aberration to most. It wasn’t until I got older, wiser and met my amazing, supportive, big dreaming partner that I started to feel like my life could be bigger than what I grew up expecting. But I do truly believe that small lives can have big impact.
I love your comment that small lives can have big impact. I think that’s what the Shelagh Gordon article was trying to say. She deeply touched (& changed) the lives of her family & friends despite living a “small” life. I also find your story of not growing up expecting anything big very interesting. As I go deeper with this conversation, it occurs to me that expectations may be tied to random circumstance as well as the privilege of class, race & gender. As in, the family you’re born into directly expands/ limits/ creates the expectations we can have, for good & bad.
Interesting thoughts. I’ve had the opposite. I’ve had people push me to go after bigger things than I wanted. To climb the corporate ladder, go for bigger jobs, more responsibilities, make my mark on my company and profession, putting on me expectations that I needed to because I was supposed to be some kind of role model and mentor to younger women in the company. I was never truly happy until the day I decided that was other people’s dream for me and not mine. I never asked to be someone else’s role model. I just wanted to be me and to enjoy my life. I moved to a much lower stress job to make more time for my family, my friends, my hobbies and me. I’ve never been happier. And my life is much “bigger” now than it’s ever been. I have been told my decision disappointed many, that so many young women who looked up to me felt I had let them down. I don’t care. What is most important (to me) is that I didn’t let myself down. I did what was right for me. I have a very big life now, big according to my definition!
Wow, Jodi. That is fascinating. Especially the piece about being told you disappointed people with your choices & the pressure to be a role model when you didn’t choose that responsibility. So many times I’ve known I’ve disappointed my parents, family & mentors by my decisions, yet ultimately, they were my choices to make. There’s a lot of power in embracing that freedom just like you did, & it’s not easy, as I’m sure you know. Bravo for having that courage. Yet even as I say that, I think of my 9-year-old daughter & the expectations I’ve already placed on her. I think building those expectations–making sure she expects more of herself–is vital to building her confidence. Like my parents did–they pushed me to expect more from myself because they expected more. It was both a gift & a curse. I’d never give it back because I know it helped build my determination & self- belief, but I also spent a lot of years chasing approval. I just wonder about the expectations I’m establishing with Nora & whether or not she will consider them a gift or a curse 20 years from now.